Thursday, May 22, 2008

Here's To UAB (universally acceptable behavior)

My friend Anderson sent me a fabulous column written by a Mom who noted how wonderful it would be if we could throw toddler tantrums as grown ups. Which got me to thinking about how great it would be if we all just decided that toddler behavior in general was universally acceptable behavior for all of us. Because not only would it eliminate the humiliation that we parents feel when our kids act out, but it would probably lead us to drink less and have lower blood pressure.

For instance, next time you're at work and you want to tell your boss something, don't make an appointment. Even if he's on the phone, it's ok! Just burst through the door and dance around in front of him yelling "Bob, I want a raise! Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Hey Bob, Bob, Bob, Hey, a raise, a raise, I want a raise, now, now, now, now, NOW!" If he says no and tries to wave you away, just stand there and scream at the top of your lungs until he reaches in his pocket and throws some money at you and yells "Now GO! What have I told you about interrupting me?" But don't worry, you won't get fired. It's all good.

Also, when you go to lunch with friends and the waitress asks you what you'll be having, tell her you want the PoopyBurger and Poo Poo fries with extra Poo on the side and then laugh hysterically with all your friends. She'll be so amused. So will all the other patrons.

Have a dinner party. Serve nothing but Cheetos and gummy worms. In the middle of dinner, stand up and announce to everyone that you have to go poo-poo. Then holler as loudly as you can "I'm finished now....can someone come wipe me?" It's cool. It's cool.

Pick your nose while you're standing in line at the grocery store and inspect it real good and then wipe it on your shirt. Look around to make sure no one saw you. They probably didn't. So go ahead and do it again. Except this time wipe it on the guy's shirt standing in front of you. Then point it out to your husband and die laughing. Poot really loudly while you're laughing and then laugh even harder.

Think how much more fun we'd be as grown ups if we only acted like our kids sometimes. And much less stressed.

After all, you never see alcoholic toddlers popping Lipitor. I'm just sayin'.

1 comment:

workout said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying! HILARIOUS! :)

thanks for the much needed laugh today. I am now ready to handle the post-nap meltdowns!

aka: workout mommy